I Am What I Am
by witnessmyboredem
Summary: Rated R, just incase. Narcissa is having problems in dealing who she is. She doesn't want it anymore. See what she is hiding under that seemingly perfect life. Warning: Dark themes Please R
1. Default Chapter

Narcissa's Downfall- dark and powerful and make good use of character, after many years of abuse she finally gets the better of him. Or Suicidal. Writes in journal, once she has killed herself, draco finds and kills his dad once and for all. For all the pain. Lucius once loved her, but his love for the dark lord seized that and he never noticed her.

Employ the power – think of a better title

The one who must stand tall, elegant, sophisticated, dominant, charismatic and powerful is the result of the name to follow after her first. Malfoy. The aristocratic name, one in which revolves around respect, one that people above all fear. The Malfoy family has the influence over society and alone they can persuade the ministry of magic to turn blind eyes to matters that could stain their reputation.

Narcissa had been wearing the grim look on her face for eighteen years. The day that was supposed to be the happiest of her life, in fact shunted her from her former self, turning her into a malicious, hatred filled individual. She was once beautiful, the sun once made her silk like platinum hair burnish like liquid gold. She once wore a smile on her face.

She was once full of life, happy to live and bursting of spirit. That person was Narcissa Black.

The many years of hatred expression has left her looking like an ugly person, she now wears a contorted sneer upon her face for the 18 years of regret. She now regrets ever agreeing to marry such a man. He too once was a man full of love and joy, but the Dark times grew upon them and now Lucius Malfoy dedicated his strength and passion towards the Dark Lord.

She now lays in terror in the sullen corner of a dark room, with a black, brooding figure towering over her, He cradled his knuckles like a precious treasure.

"Get up you fucking dumb bitch. Don't you dare make me do that again, or I really will give you something to scream about," screamed Lucius Malfoy, at his wife who was crouching in the corner of the room; silent tears were grazing her cheek.

It was considered socially acceptable to cruelly abuse you wife, if you were a Death Eater. Praised if you could beat her until she bled, until you heard her soft and faints whimpers, until she begged you for mercy.

Narcissa slowly got to her feet. Her face was coloured with a deep navy-purple. Her eyes were blotchy from the salty tears.

"Why Lucius? Why must you hurt me like this? What did I do to start this?" Narcissa asked in a plain tone.

"Simply because you are my wife, we must spend amounts of time in one another's company. Myself being your husband, I think I have every right to do what I please. What I please is your command, and you must see fit. I am full of rage; therefore I must release my anger. If you didn't like it, why the fuck are you still here?" Lucius replied cruelly.

"Do you really think I enjoy your fits of rage? Or feel fully loved with the souvenirs of the hate you give me? Lucius, you used to really care about Draco and myself."

"Don't talk to me like that you filthy whore. Care about you? You know fully well my devotion is in the uprising of the Dark Lord. I suggest you decide where your loyalties lie because for all you know you might live in the gutter, or better yet you may end up living like the 'Weasleys'. And don't bring our pathetic excuse of a son into this. You know fully well that he is going to pursue my footsteps in becoming my Lord's right hand man. "And as quickly as that, Lucius Malfoy disappeared, leaving Narcissa to ponder in his words.

Narcissa walked up to her drawers, and muttered an incantation under her breath. The drawer opened to reveal a battered, worn diary. Narcissa had no one to confide in, so the empty pages waiting patiently for her to scribe was her only mentor. Her past event was not the first and defiantly not the last.

_Dear Narcissa Black,_

_I cannot describe the mental anguish I am currently facing. The physical pain is nothing compared to the mental. I want to be free, I want to set sail and anchor down some place where I can be judged as a person for who I am, not my economic status. I want to bask in sunlight, wear bright colours; I want to see the world in a happier perspective. Not in black and white. I feel dark, I wear only black, I keep a snide grin on my visage. I witness pain and dish out hatred. For I am a Malfoy, I have to keep up the status and the character of one. But I simply cannot play the part anymore. It's shredding my soul, and everyday I keep loosing sight of who I used to be. Who I want to be, No matter how hot it is outside, deep inside I feel cold. _

_Lucius still continues to beat me. I can see he means it now. I see the cold that seeps through his eyes. I feel his icy skin that grazes across my face and realize that he feels nothing. What happened? He used to love. He used to laugh. He even used to carry Draco on his shoulders and taught him to ride his broom! He won't even look me in the eyes anymore; we used to make love, now he rapes me. _

_I need to walk in freedom. I want tomorrow to be mine. But I am what I am and I can't change that. But I need to be me, and all I want is to be free. _

Narcissa silently shut away her diary. She slipped into a black nightgown and crawled into bed. She felt cold, as the black satin sheets did nothing for warmth. Lucius had chosen the décor. The black is the mood he feels. There was a quiet click at the door. Lucius paced the room, muttering indecipherable words to himself. Suddenly he jerked up and sauntered to the side of the bed that Narcissa was resting on.

"Take that black slip off" Lucius sternly ordered.

"Lucius, I-I'm tired, I'm not in the mood please can we just sleep?"

"You'll do as your told. Don't think I wont punish you because you're my wife. If one does disobey an order they get reprimanded."

"Lu-"

"TAKE IT OFF!"

Narcissa did as she was ordered to. She took off her black slip, and let it slink to her feet. She stood in front of Lucius, stripped and disgraced. Lucius quickly took his shirt off and threw Narcissa onto the bed. He pushed himself on top of her, and undid his pants. He pinned Narcissa's arms on the bed and thrust himself in and out of her. He didn't even kiss her.

"Scream out my name"

"Lucius"

"Like you mean it, like I'm sending orgasmic waves throughout your body"

"LUCIUS"

"Getting better wife"

Lucius spent another few minutes, in and out of Narcissa until he achieved his objection. But it wasn't enough. He forced his wife's head down into his crotch, making her perform a task that would make him receive two pleasures in the one night.

"Surely you can do better than that?"

"Lucius I don't like being forced to do something against my will"

"Are you saying that you don't want to please me?"

"I'm sorry Lucius I never meant any of the such"

"Well wife if you did, I would have beaten you to your death"

Lucius re-zipped his pants and rolled over to his left and fell asleep. Narcissa was left wide-awake, the pain from Lucius hadn't settled down. Her mind was throbbing, replaying the scene of violence Lucius had put upon her. She got up and went to the medicine cabinet in the bathroom, and took a large swig from a purple bottle. It made her groggy, and she staggered her way to bed. It put her into a dreamless sleep. She didn't want to relive any more memories. Or see the monster that haunted her dreams, the man who slept next to her.


	2. MandalayRose

A/N- I don't own anything. Not the characters, just the story line and my feeble imagination.

The morning sun basked into the bedroom at precisely 6am. The birds were singing and the trees were dancing to the gentle morning breeze. Everything was full of joy, yet the only person to be left out was Narcissa. The feeling of malice was boiling in her blood.

Narcissa rose out of bed warily and gazed at her reflection in a nearby mirror. The sight looked as if it were dragged straight out of a nightmare or horror movie. The deeds of last night were vividly marked across her body. Many bite and grab marks stained her arms and legs while a deep aubergine coloured bruise covered the left side of her face. Deep scars were protruded across her back and blood had desiccated on her stomach. Her womanhood was aching furiously. She quietly opened a drawer and pulled out a single razor blade. She gently pierced her skin till she drew blood. A sigh of relief withdrew from her. Cutting for Narcissa, had been a way of releasing pain, and forgetting ominous thoughts. Narcissa always contemplated whether she should give up and take her life but then it would be as if Lucius won. It seemed as if Lucius wanted to torture her so much that she would take her life.

Quickly attempting to hide the marks, Narcissa carefully patted face powder over her face and body. But none prevailed as the bruises and scars were still easily seen over the makeup. She quickly dressed, putting on a black long sleeve dress that fell to her ankles. She had a sharp pain in her stomach that reminded her of a cruel past.

_Flashback_

At six months pregnant, Narcissa had become quite accustomed to her balloon sized stomach. She often felt her child kick inside her. She already had thought of names for her little baby, Mandalay- Rose for a girl and Cedric-Thomas for a boy. Even little Draco, who was ten, was excited to have a little brother or sister to play with. The only person who didn't join in with the festivities was Lucius.

"How am I supposed to satisfy myself with you being as big as a whale? Only dirty common whores become pregnant for the second time. You disgrace me" and with that Lucius spat on his wife.

"Aren't you at least happy we'll have pitter pattering of little feet around this huge manor? It's our little baby" Narcissa happily rubbed her stomach

"Happy? I have a whore for a wife and a child because of your ignorance. Have I taught you nothing? Does anything penetrate that numb skull of yours? I assume it was because you were a Black. You are worthless, dirty and a cancer upon my existence. The mere sight of you makes me want to throw up"

"Please don't talk to me like that. I'm not like that. I'm not a dirty whore, I am your wife and am loyal to only you"

"You are what I tell you. I told you that you were a whore, that's what you are and will ever remain to be"

Lucius slowly walked up to Narcissa so that their noses were half an inch apart. Narcissa was truly unknown to what he was going to do to her. He slowly put his hand to her face and cupped her cheek. As with a swift and fast movement he slapped her as hard as he could muster, making Narcissa fall to the ground. His outline moved closer towards her, meaning that he hadn't finished his torture ritual. She felt his hard boot into her stomach. Instinctively she covered her stomach and turned her back towards him when she felt another hard kick into her spine.

"Please stop Lucius, please the baby" Narcissa cried and pleaded. Lucius kept going. More kicks in the stomach, blows to the face and scratches in her arms. She was well unconscious before he stopped.

Narcissa woke three days later to their house elf Dobby bathing her wounds. "Is Madam feeling better?"

"Yes, but my stomach still pains me, please will you call for a mediwitch as soon as possible Dobby?"

"Yes Dobby will Madam, Dobby call right away"

It had been a long four hours wait until the mediwitch had come. She had, in a flash cleared up the dark bruises and grazes on her body. The mediwitch had obviously known she had been beaten up but didn't ask, as the Malfoy family was a feared sort.

"I believe that you are pregnant madam?"

"That is correct"

"Can you tell me if you were injured anywhere on or near your stomach?"

"Yes, both on and near"

"Have you had any bleeding from your vagina since your accident?"

Narcissa was unsure. Narcissa started shaking and sweating. She was reading the signs, seeing that these questions obviously meant something. Narcissa went and checked her underwear.

"Yes I have been bleeding, and yes it was from my accident"

"Have you felt your baby kicking since you regain consciousness?"

Narcissa froze. A single tear fell from her left eye. She stroked her stomach carefully as if she were asking her daughter/son to be to give a sign of life. She crawled into fetal position and started to cry.

"Madam, I'm sorry to bother you again with this but you have to answer me. Have you felt your baby kick?"

"N-n-no, NO I HAVEN"T"

"I'm really sorry madam but I have to give you this potion. In a few days time you will give birth to your baby. I'm going to be back here. If you need to talk about anything or need a shoulder to cry on, I'll be here for you. Please take this potion now and have a lot of rest"

Narcissa did nothing but sleep. She couldn't bear to tell her son that he wouldn't have a playmate anymore. She couldn't understand that her husband was such a cruel monster and could administer such brutal behavior towards herself. No one deserved this, not to lose something they loved so much. Three slow days had passed. Lucius didn't even bother to check if she was still alive. The mediwitch turned up at 2:30pm.

"How are you feeling Madam? If you don't mind I would like you to please sit with your legs stretched out, this procedure won't take longer than 5 minutes"

Narcissa did as she was instructed to, and with that a sliding feeling passed through her stomach. The mediwitch was holding something. She couldn't bear to look at her baby. It wasn't crying. It didn't move. It was so still and cold. It was a girl. Narcissa couldn't do anything but cry again. She held her baby close.

A day passed and Narcissa choose to tell Draco that he wouldn't have a sibling anymore.

"But mummy where did she go?" asked Draco.

"Up to heaven to play with the angels" said Narcissa

"Will she ever come back mummy?"

"No, but one day Draco, when your time has come, you will too play with her and the angels"

"Mummy what was her name?"

"Mandalay- Rose"

They had a little burial for Mandalay-Rose. Only Draco and Narcissa attended. She now lies under the big, old elm tree. Sometimes when Narcissa needs to think, she goes and talks to her little girl. No one knew the truth about how little Mandalay died. And the person who was responsible didn't and never would care.

_End of Flashback_

A/N- please let me know what you think! All reviews are greatly appreciated! Thanks to my reviewers. Sorry for the delay in chapters!


	3. The discovery of ZM

**I don't own anything! J.K Rowling does and she's a mastermind! The storyline is mine and sadly, my feeble imagination. Please R&R**

Sometimes Narcissa stared out the window hours on end. She contemplated many ideas and thoughts that included such things as death, suicide, want, need and feelings. She always felt angry with herself if she ever thought about suicide, how could she leave Draco like that? A demonic voice reminded her inside of her head that said, "You know he will turn out just like him…. like father, like son". Him could only mean one person. Lucius Malfoy. The power-hungry death eater who served for one. It was like his soul was taken from the dementors and left Narcissa with the empty case, rid of emotion and feeling.

With Draco being at school and Lucius off serving the ministry/dark lord, Narcissa felt it was time to explore the lavish mansion that she was imprisoned to. While the house itself was rich in history and furnishings, it contained dark secrets from past generations that she too felt part of. The Malfoy library was a high vaulted room, adorned with gold leaf and ceiling art probably dating back hundreds of years ago. The shelves held an amazing collection of books from wizarding history to different branches of dark magic and ministry guidelines. It was plainly obvious that no one had been in this area of the house as the dust gathering was so thickly spread it was hard to tell which book to pick. Narcissa didn't have the slightest inkling where to start browsing. She wasn't finicky as to a title or cover, just something to pass the time. Narcissa walked up the oak staircase to the far left side of the library. A small, green, leather book had caught her eye but as she seized it from the bookshelf, she felt disappointed as it was just held blank pages. Although she couldn't help but notice a minute engraving of ZM on the top right hand corner of the book. Narcissa abandoned the book on the table and searched for another.

After hours of reading, Narcissa felt her arm burn. She looked and forgot the "new present" from Lucius was alerting her. Last week Lucius came home with a gold bangle with a ruby centre for Narcissa. She knew he was too unkind for generosity and the idea of a present was laughable. As Lucius said himself "this bracelet calls you to me, it means I want something and you are to do as told." It was just like the dark mark, yet this was coated in gold. She started to run to the most obvious place he would be. The bedroom.

"Fucking hurry up, I don't have time to waste on trash like you, I have certain wants that need to be attended to…and while we do this, I want to you to call me master"

"Yes master"

A silent tear fell from her eye as she turned to unzip the back of her dress. Lucius grabbed her shoulders from behind and traced his finger down her spine.

"Now tell me wife, tell me you will do anything for me"

"Yes I would do anything for you…master"

"Well then, must you stand there and do nothing? I'm waiting for sex and your going to give it to me"

"Y-yes master"

And with that Narcissa knew in order to keep herself out of harms way she would have to satisfy evil with a pinned smile on her face. Straight after he climaxed, he threw her off him, put his pants back on and left the room. Narcissa just sat there, naked, and started crying. This never used to happen. His eyes used to sparkle when she walked into a room and he could never stop muttering about how much he loved her. Did she still love him? The answer was no, but the good memories still haunted her, reminding her of what could've been. Narcissa slipped her dress back on and journeyed off to the bathroom to indulge in one of her favourite pastimes.

The first incision was like an orgasm. As the pain messages were being sent to her brain it made her feel strangely relaxed and it let her release the angry emotions. No one knew about his obsession. Narcissa made Draco think that she was just another trophy wife who spent her time grooming a perfect life. She couldn't help thinking that what if he did turn out like his father? How could someone be so cold? How could she stop that from happening? She didn't know. To detract herself from these thoughts she cut herself again, deeper and drawing out deep red blood. Narcissa then took a swig of dreamless sleep potion and went to bed.

When Narcissa woke up the next day, she noticed that one side of the bed was still made and there was something unusual on her bedside table. It was the green leather book with the ZM initials that she had found yesterday. She clearly remembered abandoning it at the library and Lucius hadn't been inside their room so it defiantly wasn't from him. She flipped though it once more and felt the old parchment though her fingers which reminded her of her Hogwarts days. At Hogwarts her house members used to call her the Slytherin Princess, as she was a leader, along with the Slytherin Prince, Lucius Malfoy. Even with NEWTS and the uncertainty that Hogwarts held, life was so much simpler back then. She didn't know what possessed her, or where she found the quill but she wrote onto the parchment-

Life was so much simpler back then. Does anyone expect the worst when they think they have the best? I certainly didn't. I knew I had the best, I was the best but things have changed over the years. I seem to have lost all strength and character and I really don't know who I am anymore.

Narcissa then went down to breakfast to start yet another tedious day in her unsatisfying life. While she was reading the Daily Prophet, she had a curious sensation in her mind. She didn't know why but she had the strangest feeling to go see the diary. Narcissa ran back to the bedchamber and saw writing in the book, but it wasn't hers.

_Life was so much simpler when? I assume when you were much younger? My name is Zandra, I used to live in the Malfoy Mansion in Wiltshire, are you still there? Are you a Malfoy? It's comical to think that you have everything, but once you have everything, you can loose it in a click of a finger. I started off my marriage life feeling superior and special but I soon came to realise that power was an addiction, its acidic and eats away at human emotion until you are left with nothing. My marriage lasted but our vowels meant nothing. I spent most of my life chained inside the walls of this mansion, battling with demons that lived inside my head and that I lived with. These were dark times. From what you wrote I can see you are battling with demons too._

_-ZM_

Narcissa couldn't believe her eyes. She didn't pass up the moment to share some of her thoughts, as she believed this could be some start of a friendship, even if it wasn't a real person. She picked up the luxury eagle feather quill with her hands trembling.

_My name is Narcissa Malfoy. I came from the pureblooded Black family and I married into the Malfoy family. Yes we still reside in the Malfoy Mansion… sadly. It's filled with many dark secrets and horrors that haunt me. _

_I suppose the answer to your question was my life was much simpler when I was at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. That was many years ago and now my son, Draco, currently attends there. _

_I am married to Lucius Malfoy. He used to love me and I used to be happy. I used to be stunning, carefree, outgoing and many other qualities that made me so loveable. Now I am ugly and I battle to get out of bed as the prospect of another day in this prison is enough to want me to slash my throat. _

_I am cold, even in summer. Sunny days are just black. I haven't felt the need to laugh for so long. Yet I'm supposed to maintain in perfect condition, as I am just some 'perfect wife' for the 'perfect husband'. _

_Could I accuse my husband of being unfaithful? He devotes all of his time to serving the most powerful Dark Lord that wizardkind has ever witnessed. He has based the rest of his life into purificating the world, ridding it of all muggles and 'mudbloods'. Could I give a damn? No, I have my own battles going on inside my head. It's like a permanent rain cloud that pours heavier each time I get out of my bed. _

_Can I tell you that I was given a bracelet? It's dark mark! If I feel it getting hot, I have to go attend to my husbands 'needs'. _

_So tell me Zandra, did you too, like me, slash your wrists with razor blades? Was it the only thing that made your brain send pleasure signals? Did the sight of your own blood trickling down your wrist help you escape the realities of your life?_

_I want to know more about you Zandra. You could be the one thing to help me pass time in this lonely place. _

_-NM_

A/N: I don't know what this chapter was like I quickly whipped this up today as I had some spare time on my hands. Please R&R and let me know what you think and if you have any ideas or queries.


	4. Chapter 4

**This chapter is dedicated to Hannah! Keep out of the snow girl and rock on! Nothing is mine, its J.K Rowling's! **

Narcissa gently brushed her finger over her scars. Narcissa then strolled to her wardrobe to put something on. Something black.

The bed she slept on had two creases. One where Narcissa had slept and one for her husband. It was obvious it was a loveless relationship; the creases were so far apart and confined. There was a note laid out on the dressing table.

You are required to accompany me to the Ministry Annual Ball. Punishment will be severe if you dare tarnish the Malfoy name. Apparition will be strictly at 8pm.

Narcissa grinned. It wasn't for reasons of humour but the fact that she would be parading around showing off her seemingly 'perfect life' with her perfect face, body, clothes, hair and all that jazz but was she in the perfect state of mind?

Like most days, the mansion was lifeless. It contained artefacts that bragged money and aristocracy but really was that something to be proud of? Money equalled power; power was an addiction that consumed her husband. For all this, all she had to show were the scars that decorated her arms.

When the clock struck its hand at 5pm, Narcissa decided it would be a wise idea to get ready. She had no intention what so ever to ruin things for the Malfoy name, it would just cause months of pain and agony. After carefully adorning herself in the finest makeup, she picked up the dress that was left for her on her bed. It was a classic black dress that hugged her figure and hung loosely at her lower back. Her platinum blonde hair was set in a simple knot in the middle of her head and she had used a simple spell to cover up her scars. All was left was the finishing touch. Narcissa walked to her dresser and unlocked a drawer that contained her finest collection of jewellery. She picked up a diamond necklace and placed it around her neck. The piece of jewellery was at least eighteen years old. Narcissa was painfully reminded where she had received this necklace. It was a few months before Lucius had decided where his loyalties laid. It was one of those evenings in spring where the sun settled late and the breeze was warm and gentle. Lucius used to be quite spontaneous and had whisked Narcissa away to a secluded area in their grounds. They laid on a blanket just talking and kissing for hours. Just after Lucius said, "I love you" for about the twelfth time, he pulled the necklace out from behind him and softly placed it around her neck saying, "may these sparkle brightly like my eyes sparkle eveytime I see you".

Narcissa felt the sudden urge to go cut, but it was 7.50pm and nearly time to apparate. A quick glance in the mirror assured her that she looked stunning she then set off to the study to meet her husband.

His eyes quickly checked over making sure that Narcissa approved. She could tell that he had forgotten all about the necklace, not that it bothered her anymore.

Lucius spoke as he seized her wrist, "if you dare stain our name, you will pay. Dare talk about anything to do with the Dark Lord, you will suffer. You are aristocracy, act like it"

Narcissa hadn't been out of the mansion in months. It was like a breath of fresh air to be somewhere that didn't remind her of her past, present or future. Narcissa arrived with a first true smile on her face; but the prospect of it staying all night wasn't promising.

Having to spend the first half of the night right beside Lucius, and enduring comments like "Narcissa darling you look amazing, oh what would life be like to be like you!" and "you two would have to be the best looking couple around!" She took these comments down with a lot of champagne. What if people really knew what went on inside her mind? The demons she constantly had to battle every day and the husband she had to stand by loyally. He wasn't even human anymore. Even at this ball he was going to be negotiating bribes and money. It was all about power yet again wasn't it?

Narcissa stared at a handsome couple for quite some time. She didn't know why. She thought that maybe people used to gaze at her and Lucius like that some eighteen years ago like she was now. The couple were just engrossed with each other, like nothing else mattered. Narcissa felt a twinge in her stomach and hurriedly walked to the ladies room. In the privacy of her own toilet cubicle, she was on her knees, face in the toilet bowl purging the contents of her stomach into it. Narcissa sat on the toilet for what felt like hours. Tears were slowly dripping into her champagne glass. She was silently crying out for help but there was no one to help her. It was times like this where Narcissa had to constantly remind herself that what ever was in the past had and would stay there. Nothing would ever change back.

With that thought in mind, Narcissa unclipped her black purse and pulled out two things, her diary and a silver blade. She knew that cutting would only cause her trouble and awkward questions so she quickly put that back in her purse. She then began to write,

I constantly remind myself that I don't love him. I didn't love him yesterday or the day before but when I am reminded of the past, the past we spent together, I suddenly urge for things to change. Should this still happen? It's been eighteen years of no looking back, pain and torture. Why am I so weak? Am I even allowed to hope? Maybe I should stop being so selfish. Of course my main hope is that my son, my only son Draco never turns out to be like his father is now. To never follow in his footsteps and become a power-hungry monster like him.

Narcissa returned to the ball, ready to swallow more praised comments from various people and to pretend to exist in a life that was perfect.

**A/N**- this chapter, the writing is a bit different as you can probably tell; it was hard trying to capture situations for Narcissa to be in. I hope that you enjoyed it and reviewing would be greatly appreciated!


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